Random thoughts on David Lynch's Lost Highway

Disclaimer:  I had read some light analysis (not just at that link, but many others) on this which influenced my thoughts on the film, but I'm too lazy to go back and find the same articles.  I've heard Rob Ager is a great film analyst and will be reviewing Lost Highway in the near future; look for that here.I'm no film buff, and I'll be the first to admit I don't have enough patience or analytical skill to dig into abstract film and come away with anything meaningful.  But for those who care to be mystified rather than simply entertained, David Lynch's Lost Highway is a fantastic film with great acting performances.

**spoiler alert - do not continue if you'd rather see the film before having some plot points spoiled for you**

The first thing I'll say about this film is that Robert Blake probably has the best acting performance out of anyone, even Bill Pullman & Patricia Arquette, who are easily tied for second here.  His Mystery Man is one of Blake's - and Lynch's - finest creations, and given the interviews I've read from Blake himself, he was given a little bit of leeway (rare for a Lynch film), and decided that an understated approach to this character worked best.  And worked, it did...very, very well.

Lost Highway doesn't follow a linear narrative or story, so it's a difficult view.  But once viewed, most can't help but be curious about the film.  What does it mean?  Did Fred actually kill his wife?  What is happening when Fred transforms into Pete and then back into Fred again? And for Christ's sake, why is Robert Blake dolled up like a vampire?

These are fair questions, but when looking at the film from another angle, it starts to make a bit of sense.  There's a scene in which Fred is shown as impotent.  His wife, Renee, speaks in an innocent-sounding tone but is very vague with him about certain things, and she seems disconnected and almost bored in their marriage, while having the time of her life at a party with another man.  When Fred's jealousy appears to boil over, the next thing you know he's in prison for murdering his wife.  Hmmm...so did he do it, or did he fantasize about doing it?

Just when you think these questions might be answered, out of nowhere Fred turns into a younger person.  Yes, TURNS INTO - in Fred's place, in the prison cell, is a young man by the name of Pete.  It becomes clear that this can't really be a younger version of Fred; my thinking is that it's Fred idealizing about how he would like to be and how he'd like his consciousness to be able to view himself - innocent, manipulated into doing things, talented (he's a very talented mechanic for very rich & powerful people, it would appear - and this is how he meets Alice (more on her momentarily) - but Fred's own wife Renee did not go to the only show that he plays in the movie - Fred is a talented Jazz saxophonist).

Then there's Patricia Arquette's wonderful portrayal of Alice (and Renee).  It's the same actress for both parts, so Lynch's message is clear:  this is another representation of Renee.  When we see Pete, he's confused; he gets out of prison as no one can figure out what the hell happened to Fred, and he meets the gangster-pimped & quite striking Alice.  Alice quickly gets her claws into Pete, manipulating him to do things - "let's run away by killing my pimp and stealing his money.  I'll f**k you, really well, for this privilege", is the implication in this part of the story.  Pete seems a bit suspicious but agrees.

Let's stop here for a moment:  Let's say Fred did kill his wife, or even wanted to. I feel the "Pete" part of the story is his mind's way of trying to rationalize his jealousy, whether it was ultimately murderous or not.  Pete's an innocent guy getting laid and hanging out with his buddies, who suddenly encounters a beautiful, mysterious woman who jumps his bones and seduces him into murder and robbery.  This is Fred's mind's way of telling him that what he did was justified - just look at what a whore Alice (oops, Renee?) is!

Later, toward the end of the film, we see a couple of key encounters.  Alice says they have to meet a "friend" of hers in the desert before they can escape, and Pete questions her on this friend in much the same way Fred questions Renee about her male friend, Andy.  We're now getting to the point where Pete has also been corrupted by Fred's jealousy, but again, Fred's mind is assigning the blame for this on Alice.

Back to one of the key encounters: Pete is making love to Alice in the desert and keeps telling her he wants her.  She whispers to him:  "You'll never have me" and gets up, nude, and walks toward a cabin.  This is the culmination of the jealousy in Fred's mind:  in his mind, he's done nothing wrong, and only wants to be loved & wanted as his creation Pete is.  But Alice is corrupted, a whore, and as much as he allowed himself to be seduced by her, he'll never be able to have her in the way two innocent lovers would.  Pete's more appropriately aged girlfriend Sheila would have been the better bet for Pete, but if we run with the idea that we're really seeing Fred tell himself a story, that relationship was never going to happen.

When Pete gets up, he's back to being Fred again.  The story has come full circle now:  as much as Pete wanted this woman, she was damaged goods from the beginning, and he can't really ever "have" her.  This, I believe, is Fred's mind finally telling him that Renee - his actual wife - was damaged goods all along, even though he never really knew that to be the case.  Pete does, but Fred never did:  Fred is filling in the blanks himself and making excuses.

When Fred gets up and approaches the cabin, he encounters Robert Blake's Mystery Man character for the second time - Alice has disappeared.  Mystery Man is what I've read & believe to be a manifestation of Fred's jealous rage, so it makes sense that he would be awaiting Fred inside the cabin rather than Alice.  Mystery Man tells him that Alice doesn't exist; that if Renee told him her name was Alice, she was lying (more Renee-bashing here!).

I can't really get too detailed into the ending without watching it again, but the twists & turns this story offers while also giving us an abstract yet rewatchable film makes it an amazing flick.  I don't know why, but the mystery in this film is enticing, and while it leaves you wanting more, it would be a disservice to the piece if it gave you any more hard evidence of what's going on to work with. 


Last note: Despite the layers upon layers of analysis we can attribute to this film, there are others who feel there's even more to the story than the character of Fred/Pete.  That this is a more high level narrative, a critique by Lynch of American society.  I certainly have no basis for denying this, and haven't read in full the detailed analyses offered online, but here's one piece that explores this view:

Huffington Post article by Gary Hart

In a recent Huffington Post article by Gary Hart, a few odd sentences stick out.  Of course, the article was closed for comments - gotta love that.

Here are a few tidbits I found...just wrong:

If we are all "in this together," then we share more than just an interest in collective security. And if we have collective interests, the instrument by which we pursue and promote those interests is the national government, not Wall Street or the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.

As we learned in 1929 and 2008, markets can fail, usually through greed and lack of regulation.

The Goldwater-Reagan-Gingrich-Tea Party revolutions all called into question whether we are a society and therefore whether we act through our national government to pursue our common interests. ... Many Americans continue to believe we can have the public services a very large majority wants without paying very much for them. .

It would be an interesting, though destructive, experiment to see how many Americans would like the nation the Tea Party seeks to construct.

 *sigh*....

Let's take these few points one by one...

• collective interests should be pursued via the national gov't:  I think our forefathers would be horrified at the degree to which "we" pursue "our interests" via the gov't.  Check out lobbying, Hart, and figure out how it really works.  The interests of the hard working, taxpaying American are rarely intertwined with those of high powered lobbyists.
• 1929 and 2008 = greed and lack of regulation:  not true at all. The regulations have been there all along...it's the regulations that continue to fail us.  We have a weak national culture *and so* arbitrage occurs in the form of people finding schemes - either with the regulators or behind their backs - to make money however they can and no matter who it affects.  Not the other way around. 
• Many Americans apparently believe we can continue with huge budget with no one to pay for it.  Really?  Who are these Americans?  Most hard working people I know figure that the best way to fix the budget shortfall is to simply take the additional responsibilities that the government has bestowed upon itself away from the federal government.  And into the hands of, say, the free market (uh-oh, bad words!), or at least state governments so we can have 50 mini-cultures figuring out what's best and emulating each other based on what works for them.  How Hart jumps to this conclusion of what many Americans believe is baffling.  Most people who are in the 48% who actually pay for 100% of these services would disagree with this statement.
• The Tea Party world is apparently a fantasy land we've never encountered in America.  Wrong again, Hart.  Just go back a couple hundred years and you'll get the idea.  Oh, but those were Neanderthal times...people didn't even have indoor plumbing, so they couldn't have been very bright, or they would have paid out of pocket to the government to....do what, exactly?  Spend most of its revenue on programs that are a dead end and/or will bankrupt our country?  The initial Tea Party movement was about those same hard working, taxpaying folks who want to stop the bleeding of their paycheck into a government that has decided to govern itself instead of the people.

Also loved this bit:

Thomas Jefferson wanted our government to do only those necessary things that individuals could not do for themselves. That is quite a large territory. It includes transportation systems, public safety and judicial systems, public education, and national security, among many other undertakings.

 
Hart takes Jefferson's philosophy and then assumes it's a "large territory, [such as] transportation systems, public safety, and judicial, education, national security".  Only two of those can be found in our Constitution.  The others?

• Transportation systems: Certainly not a federal government role.  Maybe a city role, in larger cities, but public transit is not something our federal government should be involved in. And by the way, couldn't a for-profit business outperform most major city public transit systems?
• Public safety:  Again, this is a local government role, not a federal one.  And even then, we see what goons we have as police officers now.  No thanks - I'd rather hire a private force that answers to the government on a regular basis; they'd be far more efficient.
• Education: The Department of Education is a black hole of spending, and has it improved the quality of education in this country?  No, it keeps getting worse - get the government out of that game, let the State governments sort out what's best for them, and education becomes more competitive nationally.  That can only boost the scores of all those "standardized" tests that probably wouldn't exist in such a world.

In summary - Hart is a goon, and loves making grand, sweeping statements that people are meant to take at face value with no analysis or thought.  Sounds like how our mass media and government would love for everyone to behave.

Manic Street Preachers

Take it from a fanboy:  After Lifeblood came out in 2004, being a huge fan of Know Your Enemy, I was a bit confused.  "Are we going back to the 'This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours' days?
Not that I was complaining.  I loved both of those albums, but they were a bit streamlined compared to an effort like Know Your Enemy, where some real experimentation was going on.  Some bands experiment and it doesn't pan out so well (see Oasis).  Some bands experiment and strike gold, as with Know Your Enemy.

But after Lifeblood, the band surprised by doing a 180 and releasing Send Away The Tigers.  Definitely a "transition" album for them.  It had some strong tunes on it, but overall it felt just the tiniest bit forced.  Still, it was an enjoyable listen and definitely a comeback after Lifeblood - again, big fan here, but it disappointed in the mainstream.

But now, Manics are going through a particularly fertile songwriting period. They've released three albums since 2007 - Send Away The Tigers, Journal for Plague Lovers (yeah yeah, lyrics by Richey, I know), and only a year and a half later, Postcards From A Young Man.  All of the albums are high quality, and they are really the only remaining Britpop-type band I can think of which releases strong efforts year in and year out. 

This particular video I'm linking to above, is for a song to which I'm currently addicted.  I can't get enough of this song - at first I hated it due to the mandola intro, but now, I love it. 

This article at a song-by-song Manics blog says it all:

I Think I Found It is one of the most memorable and remarkable on Postcards From a Young Man. It’s a breezy, light tune with an irresistable energy, and the joy is there from the very basics of the song’s core and writing. I particularly love the punctuation DUN-DUNNNs on the second verse that somehow hammer down the core positivity of “I think I found it” and “I think I love it”. To support the song’s feel even further, I Think I Found It marks the Manics debut of the mandola (played by Bradders himself) whose light, glimmering sparkle sounds better than any guitar could.

I hope the Manics continue to release music every couple of years, because quality is never affected by a short absence from the Welsh trio.

Not so much on the Wordpress thing...

Below, you used to find a link to this same blog, only at Wordpress.  Well...I'm gonna backtrack on that for now.  This is the new-old home of the Modern Soul blog.

It's not that this blog gets so much traffic, it's that the few people who do trickle in come in via Google searches.  If I'm to share my insanity with the world around me, I might as well keep it right here, in the same rubber room it's been for the past 3-4 years.  Three hundred-plus posts, and I thought it was going to be as easy as switching to a new platform.  No one goes to the new site at all, and only a few people a day come here.  Turns out moving a blog is about as difficult as moving from one's home into a new one...

It's done. Goodbye, Blogger.

I'll likely be privatizing this blog in favor of the new Wordpress location.  I'm now only updating this blog at Wordpress.

My only complaint is the inability to use Statcounter to check referring links and all of that garbage, but I'm sure WP will come out with that functionality soon.  Besides, no one ever comes here... 

Moving to Wordpress

I'm toying with the idea of moving the whole kit 'n caboodle to Wordpress.  I've been blogging with Amerika.org for over a year now and find Wordpress' tools to be more robust and simpler than those of Blogger. 

The new composition tool in Blogger sent me over the edge.  Minor updates and it's buggy at that, I never have problems composing in WP.

You can access this blog now at:

http://themodernsoul.wordpress.com

Enjoy!

Goofy humor day: Quade vs. Quaid

Wrote this short bit last night.  There will probably be more, not that anyone would ever want to read it.  Enjoy.



Quade vs. Quaid - Part I

On Opening Day 2011, Mike Quade, new manager of the Chicago Cubs, found himself matching managerial wit with an opponent not of this planet.  At least, his opponent hadn't been on Earth in some time.

Angry that he was not selected for the Cubs managerial position, Douglas J. Quaid, formerly of the Mutant Colonies, returned to Earth to manage the rival Phillies.

Quaid, of course, grabbed headlines as soon as he landed.  He had been the hero of the revolution on Mars, and even managed to fix up his old friend Kuato after what he thought was a fatal blow to the head.  Those mutants really heal.  Unfortunately, Vilos Cohagen had also made it out alive - barely - and no one knew where he was hiding.

Why was a revolutionary hero returning to Earth from his prominent position of Grand Chancellor to manage the Phillies?  Quaid speaks, in an oddly Austrian accent.

"I knew it was my time to make a run at the bigs.  Quade took a job I really wanted. I spend some time in Chi-town growing up and thought I was a finalist for the job, but things didn't work out.  Or maybe I misunderstood when I read the papers and thought they just misspelled my name?"

Quaid didn't handle every interview leading up to the season opener against - you guessed it - the Cubbies with such grace.  He had previously called Mike Quade a "faggot", "loser", "sissy", and most recently, a "mutant fuck".  Mike Quade responded in kind.

"I know what Doug Quaid has done for the Colonies, and that's just fantastic.  Whoopie, yah-huh.  But aren't we forgetting that Mr. Quaid has no experience as a baseball manager in any league?  War hero, sure -  I wouldn't know, I never had an interest in Mars or their tribidium.  Ball club manager?  We'll see."

We skip to Opening Day, and Quaid is ready.  He's even recruited some help from afar - despite MLB's objections to a Martian national hiring an entire coaching staff to coach a Major League club. Quaid points out that players from Cuba and other places are allowed to play in the big leagues with not so much as a sniff in the direction of their citizenship documentation, so why can't he manage if the Phils want to hire him?  No one in the ultra-tolerant American Federation dares speak against this crowdlogic.

It's the 8th inning, and Quaid is restless in the dugout.  The Cubs are down by only a run with their big bats coming up in the next inning.  Starter Halladay has had a good afternoon but let up a single, a walk, and a fly bloop in order after struggling to make his second fly out.  When Halladay walks the bases loaded in uncharacteristic fashion, Quaid makes his move.

As he approaches the mound, Halladay pretends not to notice him.  Not yet, Halladay thinks.  Not yet.  I can't give up the rock for some monstrosity of a player from another goddamn planet.  But he has no choice, and very rarely do pitchers fight their manager's decisions publicly - he didn't want to get the year off to a bad start.

Quaid looks toward the dugout.  There, being photographed by the entire press, it seems, is Kuato, warming up in the bullpen with high-flying meat:  102-mph fastballs with good movement.  MLB never had rules surrounding a player who uses another human body as a shell, so they had to let him play.  Halladay thinks to himself, "they better put a stop to this shit right quick or I might as well go there and get myself a Kuato of my own for relief.  Then I'd never have to leave the fucking mound."

Quaid touches his belly.  Not his left arm or right arm, but his belly.  Halladay pukes on the mound - this is too much, he thinks.  Quaid looks over matter-of-factly.  "Looks like you ate some PIE before the game, eh Roy?  You gotta work on that.  Now gimme the fuckin' ball - you pitched a hell of a game but we're gonna let my own personal George Washington bring this shit home."

As Halladay returns to the dugout to a standing ovation, his face turns greener and he nearly doesn't make it before he has to puke in the Gatorade bucket.  Really?  A pitcher who comes out of the thorax of another guy?  How is this possible or even in accordance with MLB rules?  How does the windup work?

Then, there's a bit of a distraction, allowing Halladay enough time to compose himself while Kuato strolls out to the mound via his human shell.  A crazed man with huge eyes, broken blood vessels, and swirling gray hair storms the field with a knife, in an apparent attempt to assassinate Kuato.  Quaid steps right in, as he thinks to himself that he's seen that look, that face, those broken blood vessels before; side-stepping none other than Vilos Cohagen, tripping him, and then pulling out a contraption and strapping it to his face.  It's a depressurizer - the devices you find on Mars to ease back into an Earth-like environment should you ever be exposed to Mars' low-gravity natural environment.  Cohagen's head bursts in a beautiful array of reds, oranges, and purples.  The players on the field puke, and the crowd goes wild.  Some cheer, some stare in horror, some take their children and leave, never to watch baseball again. 

Quaid thinks to himself, "now we're getting somewhere!"

Kuato warms up, and his 102-mph bullpen session is a thing of the past.  He's hurling it at 110, 115.  None of the players on the Cubs feel they have a chance to, for one, relieve themselves of the distraction that is the presence of Kuato, and then also hit a 115mph heater.  His change-up is 57mph.  There's no way this ends well for the Cubs.

Monday morning

Here's something I was inspired to write today.  Not sure if you can call it "inspired", but if you ever wanted to know what goes in that gray matter I call a brain while I'm at work, here you have it.

This will likely be the shell of an Amerika post as I continued on to compare our adult work days (for many of us) with a typical children's school day and how the education system errs in focusing on this same idea of individualism, but ultimately leaning toward collectivism or conforming.

How do we know we're human? 

Seems like a loaded question and a poor attempt at philosophy, but drop the pretense for a moment.

You walk into a building at which you're employed.  You feel businesslike - coat, computer bag strapped over shoulder, maybe a cup of coffee or tea in hand. 

You walk into the elevator with others who look similar.  Buttons are pressed on a keypad to take you to your location.  Your eyes venture all over, as long as they do not stare into someone else's eyes.  Brushed aluminum or stainless steel walls in this contraption affirm your businesslike presence.

At this point, are you not just an extension of the mechanisms you focus on, you interact with, you rely on just to begin a day of productivity?  Or is there more?

What we see when we walk into work, despite attempts at warmth like seasonal decorations in an otherwise drab, too-shiny lobby speaks to the part of us that needs to feel accomplished.  Ironically enough, our individualism may ultimately lead to collectivism in many aspects of our lives, because many of us want the same thing with different labels or at different prices.  Misguided though it may be, we believe the Polo socks, Banana Republic pants, and Claiborne shirt are enough to announce us as different, even while we herd into metal elevators and stroll over to our cubicle space.

So, again: how do we know we're human?

Many of us leave the workplace each day with the intention of catching up on television or hitting a local bar.  Either of those activities may make us feel alive but when the TV is turned off or the bar closed, some may find themselves limping home or to bed, tired enough to engage in that wonderful activity called sleep.  This allows us to turn off further thought until the next morning, when the process begins anew.

What about those annoying bodily functions?  You salivate in the elevator, swallow a bit too deliberately as a result, and cough up a storm.  Others in the elevator pretend not to notice, but they do.  What about germs?  Is this person sick?  Did he cover his mouth - I was staring at the elevator's Inspection Certificate, so I have no idea!

Maybe you are sick, and later you feel it hit hard.  You rush to the bathroom to puke up your coffee and fruit cup.  Feel human enough?

Maybe you're stuck on a deserted road at night in your car.  But you don't have a 2011 model, not yet, you have a 2006 or 2007 vehicle that doesn't have OnStar.  Your cell phone is dead.  You get out and walk toward a gas station - forced interaction with strangers in an unfamiliar environment.  I bet you feel even more human now.

From bodily functions to unplanned social interactions, we are human to the core.  The lack of balance in our lives is embodied in that steel cage-like elevator and mindless job fit enough for a robot.  We don't try to fix what's wrong with our processes - the ones that drive us each day to get up, shower, arrive at work dreary-eyed and only motivated enough to do what's necessary, nothing more.  That is human to a tee, and unfortunately it's completely normal for our species.

Rants?

Do I need a rant/soundboard? Wife, best friends, and even a co-worker now tell me I do. Guess I bitch so much they'd rather see me bitch online than bitch at them.

What brought the renewed interest in a Me soundboard/rantboard was, what else?, THE MEL TAPES!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kbb--sJGGHs
(look under YouTube user 'LEARNINGCHORDS' by going to this link and you'll find ALL TEN Mel rants currently out there)

So...soundboard? I was inspired when I saw the first Maddox/Best Show In The Universe episode on YouTube recently (click here).

Been a while

Wow...been a while.

My blogging at Corrupt.org and Amerika.org is, I think, going well - especially in light of the fact that we now have an eight month old baby getting ready to run around our house. Lots of changes...and most of what I have to say is on Corrupt and Amerika.

Only other item of note is that I have begun writing what may either be a short story or a novel. Hopefully it's not lame. If it is, I will kill it and throw it into the recycle bin.

We love our new community, our new house, our new son. We're blessed. That's about it for now.

Now blogging at both Corrupt.org and Amerika.org

After expressing interest, I humbly accepted the opportunity to blog for Amerika.org. By now, it's obvious that I also blog as Frank Azzurro on Corrupt.org and even have my own separate Family & Parenting blog, of which I'm also grateful to editor Alex Birch for the opportunity.

Amerika.org is less satire and more along the lines of ANUS.com; one could call it "Nihilism Light".

Along with the opportunity to create new content for Amerika.org, I also exported many of my blog posts from this blog over to the WordPress format at Amerika.org. So you can find some of my more serious material from this blog, over at Amerika.org now. I will continue to Family & Parenting blog at Corrupt.org, and may occasionally post on here when the rare post that doesn't fit either site needs a home.

George Sodini's Diary

The story of George Sodini is sad but fascinating. I agree that memoirs and personal diaries of the supposedly deranged should not be removed from the web (as was done by Mr. Sodini's web host, apparently, though the page is now up again) simply because he's a moron who ended up randomly killing a bunch of people. He lived his life in silent torture, cursing the world around him, yet still able to muster up good social graces, a good job, and maintain an appearance of calm servitude to the society around him. Kind of like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, actually, when you read the whole thing - particularly the ending.

His own words say to spread the word and that this can be re-published freely. And for those of you who don't know, Sodini is the guy who gunned down a bunch of people at a Pittsburgh-area gym on August 4th, 2009. Of course, the mainstream news sites won't report much about this journal because they don't want to bring attention to the fact that our society is sick, valueless, and cultureless; that we're nothing more than oversocialized beasts who would sell our own mothers down the river for a little money, and that people like George Sodini may not do what they do if our values as a society were different.

Does this excuse what he did? Absolutely not. I wouldn't want my wife in that gym any more than any of you would, if only because I know in my heart that our values as a family make sense to us, and we live them accordingly with an eye toward making the world a better place, and maybe even making our mark on civilization in the future such that it becomes better. But even if we simply produce one or two children who aim to do the same thing, that's fine with us.

Sodini was a confused creature, apparently believing that getting laid was going to solve the "problem" of being worth $250K with no one to share it with. Had he entered into a relationship with a woman and been unhappy after a few months, maybe he wouldn't have entered into a massive rampage on an unsuspecting gym, but only become what he despised in the first place: a guy with money but nothing of real value, in a dead end relationship, thinking falsely that someone to come home to every night - no matter who - was going to make him happy.



George Sodini
Age 48.
DOB 9/30/1960
DOD 8/4/2009
5-10, 155 lbs.
Never married.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA

Why do this?? To young girls? Just read below. I kept a running log that includes my thoughts and actions, after I saw this project was going to drag on.

November 5, 2008:
Planned to do this in the summer but figure to stick around to see the election outcome. This particular one got so much attention and I was just curious. Not like I give a flying fcuk who won, since this exit plan was already planned. Good luck to Obama! He will be successful. The liberal media LOVES him. Amerika has chosen The Black Man. Good! In light of this I got ideas outside of Obama's plans for the economy and such. Here it is: Every black man should get a young white girl hoe to hone up on. Kinda a reverse indentured servitude thing. Long ago, many a older white male landowner had a young Negro wench girl for his desires. Bout' time tables are turned on that shit. Besides, dem young white hoez dig da bruthrs! LOL. More so than they dig the white dudes! Every daddy know when he sends his little girl to college, she be bangin a bruthr real good. I saw it. "Not my little girl", daddy says! (Yeah right!!) Black dudes have thier choice of best white hoez. You do the math, there are enough young white so all the brothers can each have one for 3 or 6 months or so.

December 22, 2008:
Time is moving along. Planned to have this done already. I will just keep a running log here as time passes. Many of the young girls here look so beautiful as to not be human, very edible. After joining this gym, started lifting weights and like it. Much info about weight programs, diet etc on the web. Or anything for that matter. Instead of TV I can Google for hours to relax. TV and most movies are dull.

December 24, 2008:
Moving into Christmas again. No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated. I have extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days of vacation. LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a party on Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually show. I like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8 days off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know nothing will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.

December 28, 2008:
Glad I stayed around. All these days off are great. I will shoot for Tuesday, January 6, 2009, at maybe 8:15. I have list of to-do items to make.

December 29, 2008:
Just got back from tanning, been doing this for a while. No gym today, my elbow is sore again. I actually look good. I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne - yet 30 million women rejected me - over an 18 or 25-year period. That is how I see it. Thirty million is my rough guesstimate of how many desirable single women there are. A man needs a woman for confidence. He gets a boost on the job, career, with other men, and everywhere else when he knows inside he has someone to spend the night with and who is also a friend. This type of life I see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded. Every other guy does this successfully to a degree. Flying solo for many years is a destroyer. Yet many people say I am easy to get along with, etc. Looking back, I owe nothing to desirable females who ask for anything, except for basic courtesy - usually. Looking back over everything, what bothers me most is the inability to work towards whatever change I choose.

December 30, 2008:
While driving I radio surfed to a talk show. The caller was a 30ish black man who was describing the despair in certain black communities. According to him, life is cheap there because you are going to die anyway when you get old. It is the quality of life that is important, he said. If you know the past 40 years were crappy, why live another 30 crappy years then die? His point was they engage in dangerous behavior which tends to shorten the lifespans, to die now and avoid the next 30 crappy years, using my example. The host got sarcastic and ended the call instead of trying understanding his point. Agreement wasn't necesary. I put music back on. But it was an interesting, and useful point for me to hear.

December 31, 2008:
My anger and rage is largely gone since I began lifting weights. Lifting drains me but I still have energy. Somebody else suggested running but that did not help me. I guess strenuous exercise is necesary for a man. So I just learned that now at 48. Maybe 30 years later than I would have liked. My dad never (not once) talked to me or asked about my life's details and tell me what he knew. He was just a useless sperm doner. Don't know why, find it fun talking to young kids when I visit someone. Brother was actually counter-productive and would try to embarase me or discourage my efferts when persuing things, esp girls early on (teen years). Useless bully. Result is I am learning basics by trial and error in my 40s, followed by discuragement. Seems odd, but thats true. Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of continuing. Too embarassed to tell anyone this, at almost 50 one is expected to just know these things.I hope it doesn't snow on Tuesday. Just thought of that. The crowd will be thin so I would postpone. Shit!
Now that I am on the topic of family and people I know, I might as well make a summary of sorts to show where things stand. This is New Years Eve I have time, no date tonight of course, so:

Honorable mention:

Tetelestai Church in Pittsburgh, PA - "Be Ye Holy, even as I have been Ye holy! Thus saith the lord thy God!", as pastor Rick Knapp would proclaim. Holy shit, religion is a waste. But this guy teaches (and convinced me) you can commit mass murder then still go to heaven. Ask him. Call him at [] If no answer there, he should still live at []. In any case, guilt and fear kept me there 13 long years until Nov 2006. I think his crap did the most damage. Their web site: http://www.tetelestai.org/.

Mum - The Central Boss. []. Don't piss her off or she will be mad and vindictive for years. She actually thinks she's normal. Very dominant. Her way and only her way with no flexibility toward everyone in the household. A power and control thing. People outside the immediate family like her. Why are people vicious with their closest ones? She is the Boss above all other Bosses.

Michael Sodini - A Boss, my brother (Mike Sodini) [] - Always the big bully, twice the size of most others. When he bullied or harassed someone, it was the other person who "deserved it". It was always about him. Way to self absorbed, too. Still is. Used to like to embarrass guys in front of their girlfriends. Lots of other shit. Kind of guy you actually loved to hate. The biggest, most self-centered jagoff I know. He took those bullying "skills" into the business world and is doing good financially. He is a big wheel only in his mind. Most people can see thru all his manipulation. He calls only when he wants something.
Sherry - sister - More of a victim than anything. Copes by exercising much control over her adult children. We used to be close until her control of L & D caused a conflict. Never the same after.

David - neph, sis's son (girlfriend Mallory Squires). Good young guy, though.

Lisa - niece, sis's daught. Attractive, smart, emotional - all good YW qualities.

Idiots:

Andy Pulkowski - I have been in barrooms and church groups. The worst people by far are the religious types. Especially a right-wing, stiff-faced fundie like Andy. A condescending, demeaning, passive-aggresive person. Frigid, rigid, linear and totally inflexible. Being a very serious person, he cannot hide his frown-lined face. He better not try to smile; lest his face might crack. I knew children of parents who grew up in strict religious homes. Religion has a certain stink to it of guilt, shame, fear, and that moral standard that always contradicts the natural tendencies and desires of a person. Therin lies the conflict. Young person cannot experiment with things to decide on their own and establish their own parameters. So they tend to cut loose and really rebel much worse than the average young person. Ma and Pa never know what goes on. They easily BS their parents because they want to believe their little one is an angel. Andy has a young daughter Bethany Pulkowski away at college, High Point University. I saw her picture on his desk. She's your basic, attractive, young girl. Please reread my entry made on Nov 5th. That's only one thing she can do. You Andy types out there need to further strengthen your strict resolve and do more of the same thing! Because those girls were great when I recall my college years! She is someone's (or many guy's) little hoe now, I am sure.Another point about andy. How can someone be cold, vicious, sarcastic and generally nasty ALL THE TIME and then make the claim about their church life and how good they are? Total hypocritical idiots.

That's all for now. That felt good.

Let's continue...

January 5, 2009:
Was at the gym to lift. Very crowded. Tomorrow should be good. There is a woman there that gives me a certain look every time I am there. I decided to walk over and make a comment about the crowds but she left when I finished the exercise. Better that I do not get sidetracked from tomorrow's plan anyways. Life is just playing games. One or two dates with her, then the end. No matter how many changes I try to make, things stay the same. Every evening I am alone, and then go to bed alone. Young women were brutal when I was younger, now they aren't as much, probably because they just see me just as another old man.I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone? I will just work, come home, eat, maybe do something, then go to bed (alone) for the next day of the same thing. This is the Auschwitz Syndrome, to be in serious pain so long one thinks it is normal. I cannot wait for tomorrow!

January 6, 2009:
I can do this. Leaving work today, I felt like a zombie - just going thru the motions. Get on the bus, get the car, drive home.....My mind is screwed up anymore, I can't concentrate at work or think at all.This log is not detailed. It is only for confidence to do this. The future holds even less than what I have today.It is 6:40pm, about hour and a half to go. God have mercy. I wish life could be better for all and the crazy world can somehow run smoother. I wish I had answers. Bye.

It is 8:45PM: I chickened out! Shit! I brought the loaded guns, everything. Hell!

April 24, 2009:
Early last month, we had our second general layoff. I survived. First one was in November. When I began 10 years ago, that used to be a nice place to work. I understand the need to reduce staff when times sour, but this is out of proportion to the economic problems at this time. The economy is shrinking by about 4-5%. They decided not to pay Christmas bonus - for staff that amounts to about 8% of yearly pay. Well, OK. Plus no yearly "merit" raise, another 3.5%. That totals to about 11% cut. Plus two layoffs of 5% staff in each case. Do the math. I know this firm is using this downturn as an excuse to take advanage of a bad situation and kill jobs UNNECESSARILY. The second layoff people who actually did work were let go. We all need to pick up the slack so the company can cut beyond what is necesary. Wasn't going to mention it, because of all this shit, it is K&L Gates, the large law firm headquartered here in Pittsburgh. Just call it K&L Gates Corporation. Most people there are OK and I would never have a shoot 'em up there. They paid me for 10 years, so far!

I predict I won't survive the next layoff. That is when there is no point to continue. Right now, life is bearable and I can get by indefinitely. Something bad must happen. The paycheck is all I have left. The future holds nothing for me. Twenty five years of nothing fun. I never even spent one weekend with a girl in my life, even at my own place. Also unlikely to find another similar job. I guess then is when I take care of things. I don't have kids, close friends or anything. Just me here. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

I enjoy writing these entries, I have no plans to go back and edit or even read most stuff already written. If you get bored, just click that "x" at the top, right corner of your browser. Bye.
May 4, 2009:I was so eager to do this last year. The big problem on my mind now is that my job will end soon. One project is being transistioned to another. The other one I am solely responsible, but is being fast tracked to production. I estimate maybe a month. I am not ready for the job market. I am ok what I do, a .NET software developer. Not at the top of the class, but I do a good job. I survived two general layoffs and other little layoffs they are having but keeping quiet about. I hear things.

The problem is I feel too good now to do this but too bad to enjoy life. I know I will never enjoy life. This is an over 30 year trend. Some people are happy, some are miserable. It is difficult to live almost continuously feeling an undercurrent of fear, worry, discontentment and helplessness. I can talk and joke around and sound happy but under it all is something different that seems unchangable and a permanent part of my being. I need to realize the details of what I never accomplished in life and to be convinced the future is merely a continuation of the past - WHICH IT ALWAYS has been. I am making a list of items that will provide motivation to do the exit plan, it won't be published. I always had hope that maybe things will improve especially if I make big attempts to change my life. I made many big changes in the past two years but everything is still the same. Life is over. Even though I look good, dress well, well groomed - nails, teeth, hair, etc. Who knows.

What is it like to be dead? I always think I am forgetting something, that's one reason I postponed. Similar to when you leave to get in your car to go somewhere - you hesitate with a thought: "what am I forgetting?". In this case, I cannot make a return trip!

I like to write and talk. Ironic because I haven't met anybody recently (past 30 years) who I want to be close friends with OR who want to be close friends with me. I was always open to suggestions to what I am doing wrong, no brother or father (mine are useless) or close friend to nudge me and give it bluntly yet tactfully wtf I am doing wrong. A personal coach or someone who knows what he is doing would be perfect. Money is highly secondary for a solution.

May 5, 2009:
To pull the exit plan off, it popped into my mind to just use some booze. I want to do this before I get laid off, for reasons not worth mentioning but don't seem to have the balls. After the gym, I stopped at Shop N Save and got a fifth of vodka and a small bottle of Jack Daniels. I haven't had a drink since September 1, 1988, just over 20 years. It doesn't matter now, I need to use it to take the edge off of carrying out the exit plan. I will be taking some every now and then to get used to it and see if the alcohol effects will embolden me. Weed would be fun to try again. I don't know who has any. Life is over, who cares? I just need to use common sense, can't drink and drive, etc. This idea just hit me at a point in time and I immediately acted on it. Same thing happened when I decided to go back to Pitt full time, first day was Monday, May 8, 1989, and to buy the house that closed on Friday, September 30, 1996, to name two examples I remember so well.

The list idea yesterday is working. I carry it in my wallet and add to it. I am feeling to good to do carry this out, but too bad to enjoy ANYTHING. My life's dilema.

May 6, 2009:
I started the JD. About one ounce with some tea to get me started. No big deal.

May 7, 2009:
Went to the gym and did mostly cardio. My heart rate was 117 just from walking on the treadmill at 3.4. This should be done a few times a week for maybe 15 mins or so to keep the heart active. I sprinted a few times to push the limits.

May 18, 2009:
I actually had a date today. It was with a woman I met on the bus in March. We got together at Two PPG Place for lunch. The last date for me was May 1, 2008. Women just don't like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive. I am looking at The List I made from my May 4th idea. I forgot about that for several days. That tells me where I stand. These problems have gotten worse over a 30 year period. I need to expect nothing from me or other people. All through the years I thought we had the ability to change ourselves - I guess that is incorrect. Looking at The List makes me realize how TOTALLY ALONE, a deeper word is ISOLATED, I am from all else. I no longer have any expectations of myself. I have no options because I cannot work toward and achieve even the smallest goals. That is, ABOVE ALL, what bothers me the most. Not to be able to work towards what I want in my life. I believe I am deserve that. I read recently it is called "self efficacy", but who knows. Is that more psychobable?

May 25, 2009:
I was invited to a picnic, and I went. An older woman there, out of the blue, asked if I liked high school. Then quickly asked if I was picked on very much. Intersting why she would ask that. But, thanks, I already know what the problem is, but a solution eludes me.

May 29, 2009:
Another lonely Friday night, I'm done. This is too much.

June 2, 2009:
Some people I was talking with believed I date a lot and get around with women. They think this because I showed an email I got from a hot woman to the department gossip, but it didn't work out. All this is funny. Actually, I haven't had sex since I was 29 years old, 19 years ago. That's true.

June 5, 2009:
I was reading several posts on different forums and it seems many teenage girls have sex frequently. One 16 year old does it usually three times a day with her boyfriend. So, err, after a month of that, this little hoe has had more sex than ME in my LIFE, and I am 48. One more reason. Thanks for nada, bitches! Bye.

July 4, 2009:
Wow, already late evening. I stayed in all day. Can't believe there was NOTHING to do today. No parties or picnics. WTF. No need to leave now.

July 20, 2009:
Been a long time since last write. Everything still sucks. But I got a promotion and a raise, even in this shitty Obama ecomomy. No more grunt programming. Go figure! New boss is great. He tactfully says when you did something wrong or complements on good things. Never confused with him. But that is NOT what I want in life. I guess some of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over 20 years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982. Proof I am a total malfunction. Girls and women don't even give me a second look ANYWHERE. There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that NO goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure you can get a date anytime. You look good, etc. Pussies. Awwww, wait. I can just start being self-righteous and say I live a good, clean life. I am holy, that's all Rick Knapp stuff. Hear that you mother fucker: I Am Just Good!

July 23, 2009:
Wow!!

I just looked out my front window and saw a beautiful college-age girl leave Bob Fox's house, across the street. I guess he got a good lay today. College girls are hoez. I masturbate. Frequently. He is about 45 years old. She was a long haired, hot little hottie with a beautiful bod. I masturbate. Frequently. Some were simply meant to walk a lonely path in life. I don't usually look out, but just happened to notice. Holy fuck. I have masturbated since age 13. Thanks, mum and brother (by blood alone). And dad, old man, for TOTALLY ignoring me through the years. All of you DEEPLY helped me be this way.

I wish I can go back to 1975 and fix things. Awe, that wont work, big BULLY BROTHER would assert his bull shit. He was twice my size. He never messed with guys bigger than 5'10, or so. He is a PUSSY at heart. Remember, Michael is my brother (we have common parents, that's all) is still a BOSS. Repetition only for emphasis: HE IS ONLY A BULLY, even at 50ish! Never forget that! Because he exudes confidence. People believe bull shit if delivered WITH CONFIDENCE.

Get it??

On the same thought, things occured to me today. Michael NEVER had an attractive girlfriend. Debbie, Barb, Kim, ... then I lost track. Not to say I had any (execpt Pam, who was about a 7.25). He married a Chinese-descent, petite woman with no body, no ass, no chest and no personality. She never laughs or smiles, neither does he. But she is highly intelligent and an excellent cook. I can testify to that! She home bakes her own DELICIOUS wheat bread! But who cares about that type of small bull crap? Mike even mentioned when we were visiting dad that "she's not very attractive".

I don't know where I am going with this. I am getting tired, feels good to write and get it all out.
On still another thought, I had 20+ years of sobriety and achieved nothing about friendships, girlfriends, guys, etc. Zilch. What a waste.

Bye, for today.

August 2, 2009:
The biggest problem of all is not having relationships or friends, but not being able to achieve and acquire what I desire in those or many other areas. Everthing stays the same regardless of the effert I put in. If I had control over my life then I would be happier. But for about the past 30 years, I have not

August 3, 2009:
I took off today, Monday, and tomorrow to practice my routine and make sure it is well polished. I need to work out every detail, there is only one shot. Also I need to be completely immersed into something before I can be successful. I haven't had a drink since Friday at about 2:30. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day.

Unfortunately I talked to my neighbor today, who is very positive and upbeat. I need to remain focused and absorbed COMPLETELY. Last time I tried this, in January, I chickened out. Lets see how this new approach works.

Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.

I will try not to add anymore entries because this computer clicking distracts me.
Also, any of the "Practice Papers" left on my coffee table I used or the notes in my gym bag can be published freely. I will not be embarased, because, well, I will be dead. Some people like to study that stuff. Maybe all this will shed insight on why some people just cannot make things happen in their life, which can potentially benefit others.

Miscellaneous:
1. Probably 99% of the people who know me well don't even think I was this crazy. Told by at least 100 girls/women over the years I was a "nice guy". Not kidding.

2. Lee Ann Valdiserri had my baby in early 1991. Haven't seen her since she was about four months into it. I knew her sister, Chris, from high school.

3. Net worth slightly more than $250K, (after all debt) as of end of 2008.

4. Death Lives!

© 2009 George Sodini

This should not be taken off the web. It is obviously my view and opinion.Reproduce this as you wish, in its entirity.

**Copy this to usenet/newsgroups where my voice will speak forever!**
Don't modify it, you can correct my spelling errors, I used WordPad. Unless the names are required legally to be blotted out, then fine. Thanks.

[Following is Sodini's secret hidden message which was at the bottom of the page, but commented out in the HTML:]

At the gym I saw a woman I like. I see her at the park and ride sometimes, so she isn't a stranger. Occationaly she makes good eye contact and smiles, etc. She is maybe 40ish, and attractive to me. I made brief conversation to her and a younger woman she was with today. To get a friend like her (and for night time action) I would cancel this plan, or put on hold, at least for a while.

(links to this diary, as long as they stay active: Click here and here.)

2081 (or Harrison Bergeron): Film Adaptation on the Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. Classic Short Story

I look forward to this movie, but undoubtedly Hollywood will change something or make it all about the relationship between the two extraordinary dancers instead of focusing on the actual point of the story. Still, I'm surprised Hollywood would ever allow this to be produced. Should be an interesting film when compared to the original story.